Saturday, July 25, 2009

Delaying the Inevitable


Ten boxes of J.R. Jenkins-brand “Nicolactics.” Anything else?

Nope, that should last me and hubby for the next couple of months.

Huh huh huh

But ma’am, these boxes contain twenty J.R. Jenkins-brand prophylactics apiece! That’s 200 contraceptives, total. Surely that’ll last you—

Two months, I say!

What Sweet Thang wants, my Sweet Thang gets.

And what Big Daddy needs, Big Daddy receives.

Jeepers creeps! Can you two quit trading innuendo and just check out already? This is the Express lane!

Whoa … someone didn’t get to use his J.R. Jenkins-brand “Nicolactics” last night.

… Or this morning.

… Amidst the partially melted butter stick and lukewarm maple syrup bowls left atop the breakfast table.

OK, you got me. No play for Mr. J. Har har …Can you now please move on with—

Or on the highway en route to the grocery store with the top down, under the tepid chemical spray of the whipping windshield wiper fluid.

Nor again in the back seat beneath a camouflage of road atlases, state maps, and old inspection stickers from the glove compartment in the lot upon arrival.

OK, OK, I get the pic—

Nor on top of the folding table in the employee break room upon sneaking through this grocery store’s seafood department after entering.

… Amidst the flipped ashtrays and abandoned hands of Gin Rummy—the tack of ancient coffee rings clinging to his back.

Uuggh. Come on, that’s just obscene! Nobody wants to hear you air your dirty, little escapades—

Sure they do … Just look at the crowd!

... Point taken.

Cash or plastic?

I’ll write a check.

And subsequently balance my checkbook in a leisurely fashion at the register before taking my purchase and stepping aside!

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

But not before I clip and sort these applicable coupons, honey bunch!

Jeepers creeps!



That’s, like, the fourth time she’s flushed the commode in there. It’s almost like she’s trying to intentionally draw out the suspense.

Only delaying the inevitable, baby: Those two blue, parallel lines on that pregnancy indicator window, in there on the restroom sink.

Don’t get your hopes up.

I’ve have been pretty stressed lately, haven’t had time to exercise, and, with dating Beau, have had to adjust my daily routine. These are causes for one’s cycle being off, as well.

What … what are you doing to me??

Reasoning away the possibility of pregnancy.

It’s like I’m … being erased!!

Erased … from existence.

But what about your sudden and inexplicable cravings for Kalamata olive sherbet lately?? The stomach cramps you experienced this morning??

… Hmm … You have a point.


I can see this will be a duel of the minds.

Then no better place to “duke it out” than in a daydream.

… Bring it, baby.

To be continued ...

1 comment:

Shawna said...

Nicolactics . . . hahahahahahahaha! Wow.