Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Golfman Cometh (part 2)

Aaaugh!! Aaaugh!! Aaaugh!!

Tigger! Wake up, hun! … What’s wrong?

I … I had this horrible nightmare … Dreamed my corporate sponsors were retrospecting me … Portraying me as another stereotypical, showboating, shifty black Negro.

Well, hun, you’re safe and sound now ...

Here in the good ol’ financially and morally rock-solid Woods family mansion.

… Yeah, sigh

Welp, now that I’m up, guess I’ll go mass email the Tigger Woods Hot White Female Fan Club.

What about this time?

Officer elections. 8pm. Jerry’s Jacuzitorium. Swimsuits optional.

Again? That’s like the fourth round of elections this month!

Lots of seats the fill, Elynn … Lots of seats to fill.

Gotta have hos—I mean, honorable representatives—in each of our great nation’s different area codes.

… Whatever pays the private jet and helicopter notes, hun.

By the way, Tigger, you were an absolute animal in bed last night.

I … I was?

And I know this sounds weird …

What’s that?

Oh, T, it’s just … By the clarity with which you were articulating your “Oh, baby’s” and “What’s my name’s” last night, the silky texture of your sweat-drenched hair …

In the darkness of the bedroom, I could have almost sworn, for a few minutes there, that you were white!

I was what?!

I know it sounds crazy—

No ... No, actually, Elynn, I can expla—

And then, during our post-coital cuddling, in the darkness, still, as I reached toward the nightstand for our after-intercourse cigarette, you grabbed my hand and told me, “No Kools tonight, baby. Hand me one of those Marlboro Reds!"

… And so that’s why it feels like there’s a tar pit in my esophagus this morning.

Tigger, hun, it was like our dearest dream had finally come true!

It’s remarkable that you, being merely Tigger Woods’s chauffeur …

Are able to narrate, word-for-word, this intimate private bedroom conversation …

For several chapters in your tell-all book, Charley.

Yes, well, you see … I am highly skilled at lip-reading.

… Kept a set of binoculars downstairs, in the limo’s glove box …

… Tigger and Elynn never closed their bedroom blinds …

… Night vision goggles …

Fascinating … Well, moving on … What was this “dream” that Elynn was referring to?

Certainly not the dream the Reverend Dr. King had in mind, Connie …

[But, instead, one that, for Tigger and his wife, would soon become a living nightmare.]

To be continued ...

Short and sweet this week, folks ... I'm gone skiing!!
New Cake & Potatoes next week!

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