This week, our undercover brothers pull a lyrical sting operation on a couple of campus MC's.
Tap tap tap
???
Tap tap tap
Uuhh … no, thank you?
Tap tap tap
Look, this ain’t the Minneapolis airport and I’m not interested. Try the stall on your other side.
Need some TP?
... Huh … yeah, I do. How did you—?
Courtesy of the university’s Department of Diversity.
Flusssssssssssh
Hmmmm …
Charley AKA Agent Crystal Meth, your mission, should you choose to accept it …
—although you’re salaried and don’t really have a choice—
... is to face off with two offensive student rappers who are stirring up the good white folks and causing a general ruckus in the campus brickyard.
... I want these two OUT OF COMMISSION — clowned so hard that they’ll never show their faces in the brickyard again!
... Beau AKA Agent Onyx Stone will be on hand to assist you in this mission. That is all. —Ofay, Director, DoD
P.S. This TP roll will self-destruct in 20 seconds.
... 5 if you’re a slow reader.
Oh, crap!
DOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!
In the yard
What the deal is, Onyx?
Not much, Meth. It’s just a couple of clowns out here … they’re not even rapping; they’re just singing the R&B hooks to popular hip-hop radio singles.
Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee, wee-oo-wee-oo-wee, wee-oo-wee-oo-wee … like a cop car!
Girl, I can’t notice but to … notice you … noticing me … from across the room, I can see, but I can’t stop myself from looking …
Man, I haven’t freestyled since undergrad.
From the looks of it, we might not have to today.
I don’t get it; I thought the message from Ofay said these guys were disturbing the peace, but the white kids are eating it up.
Oh my gosh, he’s just like Li’l Wayne! …
And the other guy’s voice is just like Akon’s! …
These guys are off the chizzle!!
Oh well, a mission’s a mission … let’s go to work.
Who are these two suckas?
The ones coming for y’ lunch money … We’re calling you two out. Rap battle, right now, winner take all, losers never show their faces in the brickyard again.
Good, ‘cause these two marks’ clothes are putting a hurtin’ on eyesight.
Ight, ight ... First verse is yours.
Beau? Honey? Is that you?
Shoot! … my cover’s blown!
Is that your girl, son?
Who are your two new friends, honey?
Ight, check it … Verse one, verse one / They call me Neo Native Son / Snatch up your slim chick / and show her “Bigger Thomas,” son / Take it to Another Country / put her up in the slums / spark her up a Camel Light / ‘tween the sheets when we’re done.
Daaaaaaaaaaang!!!!!
Oh, uhhh … pleasure to meet you, Neo Native Son.
Damn, Onyx, this kid is dropping knowledge … You sure we can handle this?
I don’t know, Meth. I didn’t see that one coming … I need time to regroup; you take verse two.
Check it … Verse two, verse two / Now what you gonna do / when Emprie Strikes Back / and repos that whack-ass crew / cut? Ain’t seen a “box” like / that since the eighties / Dwayne Wayne style / so like him, y’ ain’t got no ladies / Cross Color throwback jeans / your fashion’s so faded / those Converse been out of style / since Magic left the Lakers.
Oooooooooooohhhh!!!!!
He used a line break!
“Magic?”
Yeah, heh heh, Magic Johnson, baby.
Ungh, how crude!
Listen up … Verse three, verse three / Check Tweedledum and Tweedledee / How Alice fell through the looking glass / and found these / do-dos—who knows? / An interracial Oreo / ‘tween Mr. Big Stuff on one side / and this black Cracker Jack ho.
...
Bwahahahahahahahaha!!
Stick a fork in ‘em; they’re done!
Damn, Onyx, these kids are clowning us hard … You got what it takes to achieve our mission objective?
Meth, man … I, uh … I, uh …
Yo … Verse four, verse four / White Flour’s taking the floor / where these Matchbox kids / rubbin’ sticks enough for for / est fires / Your spot in the yard’s / about to expire / Next time, hit the Yellow Pages / see, “White Girls for Higher / Purposes.” I’m in your ish / like two hits Percocet / Before you step to this again / best turn down your TV set / or just retire.
Daaaaaaaaaaaaang!!!!! Game over!! Game over!!
Damn, that girl is the truth, son.
The yard’s yours, White Flour. We’re stepping off.
Wow, Onyx … I didn’t know your girl could flow like that.
Neither did I—
What are you two waiting for?
Huh?
Uh, your spot in the yard … it has expired.
Oh, right. Come on, Meth. Let’s get ghost…. See you at home, honey!
Go ‘head, it’s y’ birfday! We gonna party like it’s y’ birfday …
Excellent ...
In the campus quad, later
SAM-BEAU ... SAM-BEAU
Father?
SAM-BEAU ... YOU ARE LOST IN THE DARKNESS
You’re telling me … This new job … I just … I’m doing respectable work, aren’t I—keeping the black students on campus respectable, putting them in check when they get out of line?
SOMETIMES, SAM-BEAU, THE DARKNESS ISN’T SUCH A BAD PLACE TO BE
What do you mean, father?
I THINK AEROSMITH SAID IT BEST—
WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG, YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE DARKNESS, AND THEN YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE LIIIIIIGHT … BUT I’M NOT AFRAID WHEN I DANCE WITH MY SHADOW—
Ah, yes. Steven Tyler, that sage American disseminator of timeless wisdom.
This has been great, Pop. Very enlightening. Any other advice you want to pass along?
… DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE.
Will do.
SAM-BEAU … REMEMBER … sam-beau … remember …
Le sigh
I’ll tell you what you should do.
Gasp!! Diamond Light! Where did you come from?
You should switch to the winning team. We could use a good man like you.
And buy into the notion that black people are by definition out of control, that we are inherently incompatible with mainstream American lifestyles, customs, and speech?
No, that we’re ascending, our stock is rising, and it will only be a matter of time before mainstream America follows our lead into the next stage of cultural advancement.
I don't know if I buy that—
Ah, but I think you already do …
Go home to your woman. Sleep on it. And brush up on your oratorical skills.
???
Something tells me you’re gonna need ‘em for your next mission.
To be continued ...
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