Off the Chain

This week, our chiaroscuro couple's Blockbuster night turns into a frenzy when the four-legged friend next door pays them a visit.


GRRRRRRRRR! ARRRRRK! ARRRRRK!







I don’t think Lester’s dog across the street knows the edge of its property. It strains at the end of its rope barking every time I pull up to our house.






Maybe it’s just welcoming you home.







…Foaming at the mouth with a shadow of bloodlust in its eyes?






It’d probably just lick you to death if it ever got loose. … What’d you pick up at the video store?






Jungle Fever.







That’s appropriate. Hmm, this doesn’t say it was directed by Spike Lee.







Yeah, I thought it was kind of weird that it was in the section labeled “Exotic.”







The tagline reads, “When Two Kingdoms Collide” … That sounds about right, I guess. Let’s check it out.

Two minutes later

OO-OO-OO-OO! AH-AH-AH-AH!

Oooookay. That’s enough of that.












The people at the video store didn’t warn me that it was an obscene … an adult … a primal …






Yeah, that flick could be cross-listed under any number of categories.







ARRRRRK! ARRRRRK!



Lester’s pit bull again?







Yeah, sounds a little louder than usual.







ARRRRRK! ARRRRRK!



Creeps! It’s gotten loose.







I’m calling Animal Control!







It looks like it’s … it’s … digging up our water main. It’s gnawing on the copper piping.






ARRRRRK! ARRRRRK!



Creeps! Now it’s torn down our mailbox. It’s ripping our JCPenny fall catalogue apart!






Heck, I’m calling the police!







No, Mandy. We can’t … we can’t.







Why not?







Put down the phone, Mandy. … Now, listen. There’s an unwritten code between all black men that’s as old as slavery and as sacred as a Southern Baptist minister’s sweat rag: Under NO circumstances do we call the police on each other—EVER.





Well that’s silly. You’re telling me that if you’d seen OJ when he was out on the lam, you wouldn’t have phoned the authorities? If you’d seen Kwame Kilpatrick in Canada violating the terms of his parole, you wouldn’t have reported him to the court?





… Don’t ask me to respond to those questions, Mandy.







This is ridiculous, I’m calling—







No, it’s OK. The pit bull’s gone. It’s galloping up the street. … I’ll just run over to Lester’s and let him know. He can handle it.






Beau, be careful.







I will. But, Mandy, in case something happens to me, and the house is suddenly swarming with paramedics and police, I just want everyone to know that …






Yes, Beau?







You rented that smutty video, not me.







Beau!

Two minutes later

What did Lester say?

He didn’t answer the door. The TV was on inside and everything—it looked like he was home.






That’s odd. You think he’s OK?







Yeah. You know how black folks are when it comes to people calling their houses or knocking on their doors.






No, Beau. I actually do not know.







I’ll tell you about it later.







That settles it, I’m calling Animal Control. That dog is too dangerous to be allowed to roam—






KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!



Lester?







Hey-oh!







I just knocked at your place. I didn’t think you were there.







Oh, sorry. I was asleep.







I pounded on the door for like a full minute.







Hard sleeper. Hey-oh, you think you could run me by the video store up the street? I’m trying to catch it before it closes.






Wha—, well … yeah, I suppose so. Gotta return a video myself. Do you know your pit bull is running loose?







Oh, is she? She’ll come back around eventually, always does.







Hopefully without any blood on her snout.







What? Oh, yeah. Usually.







You two should get a move on if you’re going. Beau, here’s the DVD. Try to get a refund.







Hey-oh!

Later

Right up here on the right.












I don’t think any of these other video stores are going to be open, Lester. The one we just left has later hours than all the rest.






Naw, there. It’s right up here on the left.







SCRREEECH!



The lights are out at all these shopping plazas, man. Nothing’s open.







Turn in here.







You see? It’s closed. Satisfied now? What are you trying to do, anyway? Sell that videocassette you’ve got? What is it?






A home production.







The entire 21st season of “The Price Is Right?” On one VHS cassette?







It’s a compilation of that year’s best Showcase Showdowns.







That’s it. I’m heading back home.







Hey-oh! You got eight dollars I can borrow till the end of the week?







No, man. Like I’ve told you before, I don’t even have a job yet. I can barely afford to gas up this car.






Hmph.







What’s the deal with eight dollars, anyway? Why are you always asking for that specific amount?







A forty of Old E, a box of Black & Milds, and a pack of watermelon Now and Laters … best nightcap you’ve ever had, guaranteed.






Word?







It’s off the chain, son. You should try it sometime.

Later, after dropping Lester off

What flavor did you say, again?












Uh, watermelon.







What’s that?







Watermelon!







Speak up a little louder?







WATERMELON!















Oh, right … of course. Here you go. … One forty-ounce bottle of Old English malt liquor, one box of Cream Vanilla Black & Mild cigars, and one package of watermelon-flavored Now and Later candy chews. Anything else?




Uuugh. That’s it.







The total comes to eight dollars even.







Huh, no kidding?

Back at home, in the carport

PUFF! PUFF! GLUG! GLUG! CHEW! CHEW!



Wow! I hate to admit it, but Lester was right. Something about the overpoweringly sweet and malty flavors of these three substances combined puts me inexplicably at ease. I could sit out here in the carport smoking and drinking and chewing Now and Laters all night!








GRRRRRRRRR!







Holy mother of— … Where did you come from?







ARRRRRK! ARRRRRK!







Good pup. What do you … want some Now and Laters? Here.







HAGH HAGH HAGH HAGH







Phew.







GRRRRRRRRR!







What? Want more? Want these Black & Milds? Here.







HAGH HAGH … GRRRRRRRRR!







Here! Take the Old E, too! Jeez!







HAGH HAGH HAGH HAGH

SCAMPER SCAMPER SCAMPER





Man, that was close.















I’m going to go brush my teeth.

Minutes later

PUFF! PUFF! GLUG! GLUG! CHEW! CHEW!



Good dog. Good dog.












ARRRRRK! ARRRRRK!







Now where's my VHS copy of Jungle Fever?